The ‘not ready yet’

At my Bible study last week we discussed the story of Lazarus’ resurrection (John 11:1-44), and the idea that ‘God’s love sometimes tarries for our good and his glory’. I shared that there was almost a year that went by between God telling me that he wasn’t ready yet to heal my nerve injury, and him saying “It’s yet”. And one of the other ladies in the group asked me why I think God made me wait that long.

I recalled that conversation today when I heard the lyrics to Nichole Nordeman’s song ‘The Unmaking’.

This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stay

What happens now?
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next?
When all of you is all that’s left

This is the unmaking
Beauty and the breaking
Had to lose myself to find out who you are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking

There’s value in those ‘not ready yet’ times, when we feel like we are just sitting in the rubble. In my ‘not ready yet’ I withdrew from a PhD, spent time just sitting and reading my Bible, enrolled in Theology study, caught up with friends to chat life, questioned why I’m here. I spent a lot of time asking

What happens now?
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next?

I lost myself and the identity that I’d given myself, but through that I found about more about who I am, who God is, and what I mean to him (I’m a loved daughter).

None of that would have happened if God had straight away said “It’s yet”. I needed that ‘not ready yet’ time.

And the “It’s yet” did come, and the unmaking became rebuilding.

I’m starting to feel like I’m in another ‘not ready yet’ time again. Earlier this year I went on a discernment retreat, putting aside ~24 hours to spend with God reflecting on the plans he might have for me. I was so keen for answers, for a highly detailed timeline of what I should do and what I should expect. But instead I got a ‘not yet’, and a sense that I just need to enjoy and be in the now, and trust that he has that ‘highly detailed timeline’ all sorted and he will reveal it to me bit by bit as I’m ready.

Almost 2 months ago God again told me “You’re not ready yet”. He reassured me that there is a plan and that he is preparing me, but that I’m not ready yet.

And recently he has revealed a little bit of that ‘highly detailed timeline’ to me, but not really enough for me to take and run off with it as if it were a ‘it’s yet’. Even with the little insight I’m still sitting in the rubble of the ‘not ready yet’.

I know in myself that this season of preparation is where I need to be right now. I know in myself that I’m ‘not ready yet’. But I’m also impatient and yearn to know and do and be more.

Maybe there’s a need to learn to appreciate and see the beauty and opportunities in the ‘not ready yet’. That the rubble isn’t just rubble, but it has possibilities.

I’ll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down
I’ll build you an altar there
On the same ground
Because what stood before
Was never yours

I can still sit here asking What happens now?…What happens next? But there are also things that I can do now in the ‘not ready yet’. I can sit here and worship God, surrendering all to him, focusing on him in the here and now, seeing what he’s doing right here, right now. I can use what was to build something for him. And maybe that is all he wants from me right now, he wants to use what was to build something new to bring him glory.

The-Unmaking

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