Surrender and doubt

A couple of weeks ago something left me shaking with doubt about whether I was doing the right thing with my life at the moment, I doubted whether I was capable of achieving my goals. Well yesterday it was confirmed that I wasn’t capable. The doubt hit again like a freight train and it left me more than just shaking this time. And so, for the last 24 hours, I’ve had Lauren Daigle’s song Trust in You playing on repeat in my head.

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at your feet

I think these lines are the definition of surrender, to let go of what my dreams are, and give them over to God to do with what he wills.

I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need your rest

And these lines are a warning that I’m trying to take back control again, that I need to surrender again, and rest in the assurance that that brings.

When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

The words of the chorus remind me that things won’t always go the way I want, mountains won’t always move and waters won’t always part. Just because I cry out to God doesn’t mean I’ll get the answers I want. But that is ok, and I can still trust in him.

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
You plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go
You’ve not already stood

God promises me all of these things.

While my confidence has taken a bit of a hit, in truth what happened is really only a speed bump. But what it made me realize is that where there is doubt is where I haven’t fully surrendered, that I’m still clinging to it and thinking I need to do it in my own power. When I have fully surrendered something to God, trust in his power and ability can replace any doubt in my own abilities. Where there is full surrender, there is no need for doubt because its no longer about just me.

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